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The news that came up last July 12 shocked my well-made plans. But the change was fully welcomed and I was more than happy to do some tweaks on plans A, B and C. The days that came after were all a breeze, I was on cloud nine and I couldn't really care less because I was right where I wanted to be.

The original plan ends me having a haircut, only after I made everything through, but after what happened, I figured my hair will be pretty long when I stick with that. So the next Sunday I had my haircut.

All I know is I wanted my hair short. And so I did, and the gay who cut my hair for a long thirty minutes did so too. I didn't really like how it turned out, I think it was shorter than what I actually wanted but I had a lot on my plate and sulking about it was not how I wanted to waste my time.

Come my next step of splurging on self: I bought a pair of office pants and a couple of little things. Thus the Sup Up Project.

The truth is I have no reasons to be lonely at this point. Even the week had its right load of unique awesomeness.

1. It was my first time to eat at Chicken Charlie, with J and my sister.
2. I got a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts for only P152! Never mind that I waited in line for more than an hour.
3. Pacific Rim with JACI is love.
4. And I had my #SocialLifeFix after a loooooong while. Unlimited chika with a good friend from college and lunch with 2 of my best friends from high school.

And I post this so I should remember that once, things seemed absolutely right.

The week of July 14 to 20 was such a busy and awesome week for me. I would suppose it could have lasted a while though. But it didn't.

It gone as fast as it came.
Because misery kills and therefore should not win me over, here are 5 pretty little things for the week (July 7-13). I’ve been meaning to make this a blog habit, and to be honest, I think I need this more than ever because lately I’ve been one of them old pessimist rats.
I hope soon [not anymore].
… and I won’t tell them your name.
I started the week like the old me, and downloaded new finds/alternative songs, which in most days would suit my everyday temperament. They weren’t really new songs, perhaps it was the first time that I’ve heard of them. My recent favorites include: Breathless by BTE, Everybody’s Changing by Keane, Human by The Killers, Name by Goo Goo Dolls and Overjoyed by Matchbox 20.
Music-wise, I am so stuck in the 90s.
* * *

Burgers… How I so love burgers. I think this fascination was fueled with that best-burger episode of How I Met Your Mother (I miss them already!) and since then I’ve tried a string of burgers from Maple, BRGR, Brother’s Burger, Crave and the immediate bestselling burgers of the most popular fast foods in town.
So when I was a little depressed on Thursday, J decided to bring me to Charlie’s. We ordered a Black Angus Burger (I forgot its whole name). I loved it, the 240-peso burger made up for its size, and with a depressed me I could eat the whole thing very easy. They also have a variety of condiments available, and there’s mustard!
* * *

On Jogging.
Okay it embarrasses me to admit but I think this is the first time I went for a jog this year. (Insert long sad face) I really should come out more often than this. And I said that like a sweeping declaration, but 7 days later and I haven’t gone out for a run yet. Though in my defense, I wasn’t feeling well lately.
and this Week’s Pick-Me-Ups.
This week’s pick-me-ups include Amici’s Choco Sansrival and Starbucks’ Mocha Cookie Crumble care of their buy 1 take 1 promo. It pains me to think that I need more and more pick-me-ups as time passes.
And last Saturday, we celebrated Papa’s birthday and got him a cake. A whole round Sans Rival that I love.

It is a gloomy midweek morning and all I can think about is it’s a good day to write.

The upcoming rain, the bed weather, the need to cuddle in a wool blanket or even just a black thick blazer, the smell of coffee which brings forth the promise of a productive day (but no, not work-wise) – do you have that too? Do you also associate coffee with a productive moment of writing? 

And because I’m just clicking away in an overdrive. 

Deviating thoughts: Whenever I try to will myself to write, I make myself a cup of smooth coffee latte at home (I made it up so its name may sound way better than the actual). It’s different than the coffee I make in the office, which is 3-in-1, fixed and easy to drink I can finish it in I think five minutes. At home, usually on Saturday mornings, with the security of a long undisturbed day, then I make my coffee. I’ll spend minutes in the kitchen heating water, finding the right cup, mixing nescafe, creamer and sugar, and then a little bit more nescafe because I always put just a little amount at the start. And I have my perfect coffee for at least half an hour.

Sometimes I’ll get the right words, sometimes just the good ones. Most often lately, none of them comes and I am left with a blank Word screen, its cursor blinking like hundreds of silent screams and my left brain murmurs the possibility of a more productive day studying stocks and actuarial notes.

But it’ll be okay, I say. I saved my perfect coffee for days gadammit. 

You met me at a sad phase of my life. When everything I do seems like a contradiction.

This is the reason I will never pass actuarial exams in a cinch. This is the what when I said “what I wasn’t sure of with you”. This is the face, the one I was looking to flip when I turned my cards, every twenty-different of them and I couldn’t find what I was looking for.

I have three cards on my table now. Three last cards if I can be blunt, to emphasize the overwhelming reality of my situation.

Because the thing is, I will never be happy this way. No matter how I conceal in buying the things I want, or the weekly date nights, or the endless movie viewings. It doesn’t work that way anymore. It no longer comes in waves. It’s a constant feeling everyday, that the life you knew and would have wanted years before are so far away from reality. And at 25, that feeling peels away at any happy pills you’ve got left.

Fortunately, this is not me just ranting away. Because in between blinks, I know what I want, and I know the right thing to do. I’ve got three cards left, and I had everything betted on those three (literally up to the last strand of my hair), and I feel good about it.

There’s got to be more to this.

The three weeks that came after the company outing at Club Manila East had been a little disorienting. First off, half of the year is almost at its end and that always deserves a think-through. But all of my think-throughs, though they left me encouraged and empowered, also leaves me a little depressed as well. I think I should stop doing think-throughs if I can be just a little bit non-masochistic about these kinds of things but...

Just a few days after “my break”, I realized I’m in a kind of infatuated position for some quiet several weeks now, which sucked, and it made me conclude that I don’t really have guy friends I could turn to for some guy’s point of view things, not that I need it now. I mean, I don’t think I need it now right at this moment, it just seemed very weird to acknowledge something missing.

Waiting for the MLC results is a very tiring task, and with less than a week now, I’m completely tired out I don’t know what to feel once they’re out. 

Our new schedule which started last week is disconcerting. Of course it has its advantages but the underlying reason that led to this change calls them off. And I can do nothing but participate.

I wish for a new phase in my life, is my biggest goal for the year.

And I’m currently acting on that, quite aggressively to be honest. It’s just sad that I’ve been trying to find that new phase for a very long time now, and here I am. Here I still am. Forlorn and defeated, trying for maybe the 20th time…

I sincerely hope, and with concrete actions I do on the side that the next time I’ll get to this particular topic of the next three weeks, I’m too excited of this new phase even this blog can’t hide

[UPDATE: On July 7, the MLC results are out and I didn't make it.]