I was on top and I don’t know why

There are times when it's harder climbing down.

When you really want something, when you’re willing to sacrifice a lot to get it, I think in time the universe will conspire with your dream.

Or do you think I’m just too idealistic?

Before I started high school, I have one goal in mind: to be somebody. I think that started it all, but with that one goal came a flurry of confusion and bouts of depression. I realized I don’t have much talent after all.

You see, I don’t sing high tunes. I have a low singing voice, well I can sing male songs quite well but that doesn’t count.

I can’t shake my booty.

I didn’t want to be a student leader back then, since I’m not Ms. Friendship and all.

I think I write okay but writers in my school didn’t really fit in the “somebody” category. That’s just the way it was.

So I settled for what I can do: be at the top of the class. Once my 13-year-old little mind made that decision, every step I took revolved around that goal.

Of course it wasn’t easy. A lot of times I knew I couldn’t make it. But back then, I have associated giving up to being an outright nobody, which made me depressed all the more. At some point, I wished I have decided to become a cheerleader instead even though you know I can’t shake my booty.

In the end, I graduated valedictorian.

But the worst part came days after graduation when it finally dawned on me: I graduated valedictorian and I don’t know why.

I was afraid to realize it wasn’t all that worth it; I spent high school studying at most times because I fear I would end up just like everyone else, not being able to stand out. But when it ended I felt I was still me, not too much better just, you know, bookish-wiser.

It felt I have achieved somebody else’s dream.

That was depressing but thankfully, college came and there came the big change in my life. I still didn’t want to be a nobody, but that old goal was piled at the bottom of other more important goals all with one common denominator: to be happy.

I partied and got drunk and studied and passed and failed exams. I sang high-tuned songs, and shook my booty (when no one’s watching). I laughed at myself and loved seemingly complete strangers and cried over a broken heart. And in the end, I was happy.

On the contrary as it may have sounded like, I still remained a good girl (amidst all the partying that is). But doing all these things opened me up to a wide range of options, and in the end discovering my personal dreams and priorities.

Now in the corporate world, I am able to use what I had learned in college: I prioritize happiness over my salary, family and relationships over work.

Life being short, I think what’s important is that we do what matters the most to us. This I learned from my mistakes when I was 13, and it’s applicable to life in general.

Of course I still have a lot to improve but what I’m preparing for next is to be able to do really effective time management to juggle ample time with work, professional studies, blogging, galas, family bonding, dates and more. Seems pretty simple but this proves to be a very tough one for me. :)

thinking april

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I was on top and I don’t know why